As of right now, its mostly been my own IMs that I've been posting, what I'm really interested in are YOUR IMs. The real goal is to put the spotlight on the readers, discuss and or make fun of their conversations...I can almost sort of promise that I'll be nice, unless it's just too funny to pass up.
Jewish kid who grew up in the tough streets of Forest Hills. I offer you entertaining conversations and viewpoints from the various thugs I've met in my life at the institutions of higher learning I have attended...Obviously, this is all nonsense and I'm just bored, have a bunch of free time and do engage several different people in hilarious discussions...a lot of the time its offensive so, my bad in advance...
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“Hey man, here’s a little screen shot I took for you, want your opinion on it.”
Now, I don’t really think it needs to be clarified that I would be the type of person to hate something as annoying as the quiz results of my facebook ‘friends’ being published on my news feed for me to get angry at, but when they themselves think that its a stupid quiz, why do they have to publish it?
This girl (yes, shockingly its a girl who took this quiz) proceeded to take this quiz to find the true meaning of her name, because facebook quizzes are by far the most widely accepted standard of finding out such things about yourself. Being the little social butterfly she is, and obviously knowing just how important her views on everything are to anyone she’s ever been associated with, she decided to not only publish the results of her name quiz (which goes on to tell her that her name means she’s ‘a HOTTIE’) but does everyone the favor of affirming the quizzes on ‘wackness’.
As much of a modern day princess you are, and no matter how important your viewpoints on everything are to all of you close facebook friends, there probably isn’t a single one of them that gives half a damn about the quiz you took, you pretty much just move yourself up a little higher on the ‘defriend’ ranking’ but perpetuating the newsfeed flood of utter garbage.
To all the people whose friends JUST HAVE TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF SEX STYLE I AM, if you waste your time taking facebook quizzes, don’t waste the time of those you’re supposedly friends with…a second of lost time on nonsense adds up when you take 5 quizzes a day 7 days a week…you’re not being a very good friend…GROW UP.
“i was really hoping that this whole swine flu epidemic was going to keep tourists out of nyc for a while…seems like we just cant get some silver lining out of this one”
Amongst ridiculous humidity, decreased space on trains, and ugly people wearing clothes that reveal far more than they should, summer time tourism is by far the worst seasonal occurrence to devastate New York City on a yearly basis. Slack-jawed bumbling idiots roaming the streets of the city. Morons amazed by a building that surpasses their own gargantuan skyscrapers by no less than 30 floors. Incapable of navigating through a city that is, for all intents and purposes, a simple grid of streets that either go one way or another.
Yes, ok, some of the tourists aren’t that bad, some are nice to look at, some can hold legitimately interesting conversations because they lead pseudo-interesting lives compared to that of a New Yorker, BUT, single digit percentiles are nowhere near enough to overcome my hatred of an entire hoard of demonically retarded people. Every now and then I get back at these breathing nuisances though. There’s the occasional intentional bumping into, there’s the blank stare when they ask you a question even though you’ve got headphones in your head, but my favorite is giving wrong directions. I am overjoyed when I recall giving directions to a group of tourists towards Times Square when they were trying to go to the Empire State Building. Why did I do this you ask? What did this group of dim-witted simpletons do to deserve being set off on a quest they could never accomplish because of their own shortcomings in cognitive capabilities? Simple, they asked me how to get to the Empire State Building, and I kid you not, as I was leaning up against the sign saying “EMPIRE STATE BUILDING THIS WAY”.
Back to the topic at hand, I too was hoping this swine flu nonsense would be enough to deter these mindless drones who are amazed that an NYC building can afford to run a light 24/7. I’ve already had to ‘accidentally’ step on a few tourists, and it’s not even June . If only we could set up a system of mail-in-tourism, where we could still get all the tourist revenue but just have to mail out some post cards to them, or superimpose their pictures next to all the tourist attractions throughout the city. I guess until I get enough people to sign off on that, I’ll have to make due with my small acts of guerilla warfare on these damned tourists.
“they should’ve just covered a piece of crap in chrome paint and made that the mascot for the wolverine movie.”
I’ve held off on bashing the wolverine movie because I’ve needed a perfect comment about it to properly unleash my immense rage and feelings of disgust with this god-awful film. I won’t claim I’m anywhere near qualified to critique a movie, or that my opinion matters amidst any social circle, but I really just need to get this off my chest. First and foremost, if it takes you 4 movies to put a character as amazing as Gambit into a movie, must you make him suck? Where’s the thick creole accent? Why don’t his cards explode? WHERE’S ROGUE’S ASS FOR HIM TO SMACK????
Now, Deadpool…wtf? No, seriously, wtf? Ryan Reynolds was a good choice to play Wade Wilson. Other than that, yet another character completely botched. When a mutant has only one power in a comic book, IT SHOULD STAY WITH ONE POWER. Why does Deadpool need 432 million different powers to be a threat, healing alone couples with ridiculous combat prowess is more than enough, and yeah, he can speak in the comic, just another wtf for this movie. And what the hell was Cyclops doing in this damned movie? Who gives a damn about some stupid mutant kids being saved by Charles Xavier, I don’t need some god damned pseudo happy ending. This movie needed pure carnage, LEGITIMATE EFFECTS, a non-sappy piece of garbage more far-fetched than an actual comic plot-line. Honestly, the list of things wrong with the movie pop in and out of my head in sporadic moments of rage and fury.
You know what, there are more than enough people who aren’t fans of comics that still saw this movie, making a movie that was just a little closer to some sort of legitimate comic book plotline would have been fine. This movie is just the fourth installment of an amazing comic book series taken and turned into absolute trash. Thanks fox…
“iron chef america sucks…original iron chef had shit like electric eel and hammerhead sharks as secret ingredients…tonight’s ingredient for iron chef america, spinach. they should make it like oompa loompas or some other crazy shit”
You know what, I agree with this completely. Iron Chef America should be called ‘Pussy Version of Iron Chef’. I don’t care if it’s hard to develop a 4 or 5 course meal out of a main ingredient in an hour. As much as I respect each of the American iron chefs in terms of their mastering of their own culinary art, the show is just complete bullshit. Try making that many courses out of an ingredient you DON’T use in every day cooking. Spinach? Seriously? GTFO with this secret ingredient spinach crap. Original Iron Chef had these dudes nailing live eels to a chopping block in order to keep them still to chop off their freaking heads, roasting entire pigs to a crisp and using sea urchin as a bowl for a soup. Original Iron Chef was badass. These guys used knives that looked like swords and had to plate ALL their dishes to be served.
Iron Chef America on the other hand: lame. THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE FUNNY VOICE OVERS!!! Hearing those ridiculous translated conversations and pseudo jokes in those ridiculous voices was the icing on the cod soft roe ice cream Iron Chef Hiroyuki Sakai once made.
If Iron Chef America wants to show its got even an eighth of the balls the original Iron Chef had, they need to start using ingredients like: -Snapping turtle -Shark fin -Ox tail -Purple sea urchin -Cow’s tongue -Bald eagle -Python
Then and only then will Iron Chef America finally become the proper version of the once amazing Iron Chef.
OH, the new host is an uber herb btw, has nowhere near the proper eccentricities to successfully take over Iron Chef.
“back in the day, porn used to be a challenge to watch for a kid…hide the dirty magazine, quickly switch away from the nudey channel…now all these kids need to do is turn on MTV and they’ve got all the T&A they could need”
This is a very interesting point. I’m not going to discuss any watching of pornography on my part, as I’m trying to build a respectable image for myself, but I couldn’t agree more. 10 years ago, MTV still played music videos, nobody knew what the hell DSL was, and there wasn’t a phone with web-browsing capabilities that allowed you to stream porn. I can’t say that I would have tried to watch porn if it were that easy back at that age. It seems like society is moving towards a world where you can have whatever, whenever… WHERES THE THRILL? Don’t people like to break any rules anymore? Has every taboo become entirely obliterated by technology? What joy does a kid even find in watching porn on their laptop when they don’t have to worry about their mom walking in and seeing? NONE, Why? Because all it requires is switching a window or closing the screen, there’s no ‘oh shit where’s the remote, crap I’m going to get caught if I don’t switch the channel’.
If porn doesn’t become more of a task to watch and get caught watching, the youth as we know it will no longer have those awkward moments in their life when a parent walks in and sees what should be private. Apatow will go broke, we’ll never have another Seth Rogen to write about his awkward high school life, movies trying to be the next Superbad will start to become even more unfunny…the list goes on and on. So,
Parents: Crack down on your kid’s porn watching habits.
I just had to teach a coworker how to use a nerf gun…he shot himself in the face…twice
I can’t just go ahead and assume that everybody at some point in their life had the same passion for Nerf guns as I did (still do), but I’m still looking at that statement and thinking……………really?
OK, Nerf guns have seen technological advancement, I will admit, they have come far from their original design, BUT…the recipe for using one is still the same:
1) Pull
2) Point
3) Shoot
No, Nerf guns are not as dangerous as a real gun, the likelihood of death by Nerf is in that small margin between 0 and 0. 001, but GUN, is still in the name. No matter what the circumstance, you just don’t point anything that has any type of association with ‘gun’ at your face. You do not pull the trigger of anything that has any relationship with ‘gun’. IF you manage to mess up the first two precautionary actions when dealing with a ‘gun’…YOU DO NOT REPEAT THE SCREW UP. Perhaps Toys’R’Us should institute a ‘am I a ***king idiot’ test before they sell toys to adults.
To the person who shot themselves in the face twice…I am dumbfounded…you are yet another example of a miracle, in that you have yet to try and hug a bus. Good luck, as it is now, you are assured to need it.
“Oscar the grouch has more going for himself than this guy, and he’s got a perminant hand up his ass”
I think this is complete crap. Why the hell does Oscar the Grouch need to become part of the joke of some girl who needs to make herself feel better by demoralizing a guy? First of all, Oscar can’t help it if he’s got a hand up his ass, HE’S A PUPPET. Secondly, living in a garbage can doesn’t make him any less of a puppet than Elmo or Kermit or that over-sized yellow buffoon Big Bird. So, if you’re a girl with self confidence issues, and you just NEED to make that crack at a guy to make yourself feel better, leave Oscar out of it, at least he’s a home owner.
Now, on to my next point, I’m tired of people trying to convince me that Bert & Ernie were gay. Just because you don’t have a close friend that you would live with doesn’t mean two muppets who do have a strong bond are automatically gay. I honestly resent the use of that term when it comes to sesame street. It’s a kid’s show, they are puppets, they don’t see the world as gay or straight, THEY JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN.
What you should take away from all this, back the hell off from making fun of sesame street, you used to be a snot nosed kid who watched it too, growing up into an asshole doesn’t change that fact.
“why do you guys make fun of me every time we go out to a bar or club?”
“u need to realize, you’re the male version of the ugly girl kept around to make the group look better”
This brings up an interesting point. How stupid does a person have to be not to realize that they are the lame one of the group? Can people really be that oblivious to the fact that they are in fact the one that makes the group look better? Why the hell would a principle that is so widely used amongst all women be inapplicable to men? It’s like feminism never happened…or would that be reverse feminism? I’m not quite sure, I’m definitely not a psyche major, but I can’t be that far from the correct answer. The only difference I can see when it comes to the opposite sexes doing this is that I think men will actually consider their lame group member a friend, whereas with women, there’s a bit of uncertainty. I’m not saying all women are heartless, and for all I know, their ugly duckling is very dear to them, but the things that I’ve heard gives me little hope in the matter…
Lame people are still people…just sort of lame…treat your lame-o friends with a little dignity every now and then. The reasoning behind this…sympathy to an ‘inferior’ can be just as useful if not more so when picking up the ladies…think about that one.
gypsy-dater: if u live in society u have to shrug a bunch of stupidity off but that involves a build up of anger and sarcasm that u hold in.
This is probably the truest statement made by a friend about me in quite some time. My gypsy dating friend has conveniently made it clear for me where some of my anger takes root from. PEOPLE ARE STUPID. You know, I can honestly count the number of peoples’ opinions I can actually give value to on two hands. Seems as though the more people I meet, the more I have to value the people I’ve kept in touch with.
The conclusion I have reached: this blogging business, which I once considered a hobby for recluses, is a way to keep me sane. Having a site where I can say whatever the hell I want makes it so much easier to deal with every jackass I come across. Sort of wish I could let these people know that one day they will be the subject of rage and ridicule…but that would make coming by new friends quite the task…still need stupid people as friends to make me feel better about myself.
Jbd kash: do u like the concept and content so far?
El capitan: no, it sucks
Jbd kash: lol, u bookmarked a site that you think sucks?
El capitan: lol you got me
Aren’t my friends just great? This little exchange of words has caused me to evaluate my friendships. I think what I like most about the group of people I have allowed to become my friends is that they don’t sugar coat anything for me. They are blunt to the point of being mean and don’t humor me at all. Entirely incapable of even pretending to be nice to me, I think they actually enjoy trying to make me mad. Apparently I have a tendency to go off on vicious rants and be quite insulting…which in turn makes my friends laugh.
Example:
Jbd kash: what I want to know is what compels someone as stupid as you to even make attempts at conversations with people who have legitimate cognitive thought?
At times I have to wonder why I decided to befriend people who are just as mean to strangers as I am. Perhaps we share a want to take a rest every now and then, and watch a fellow asshole insult and berate a person. Even mean people need some rest, and what better way than to become a spectator to our favorite sport, people bashing. As long as there’s an idiot, there’s a joke to be made, and I guess my group of friends plays that societal role. Makes me smile inside.
Something of great importance has been brought to my attention, some of my friends infuriate me.
Chicken-Tomatoe-Slice : anything new on ur blogosphere?
Jbd kash: didnt have time to make a new one yet
Chicken-Tomatoe-Slice : wow bro
Chicken-Tomatoe-Slice : you’re a failure
Chicken-Tomatoe-Slice : kill yourself
To Mr. Chicken-tomatoe-slice: Drop Dead.
As much as I like the concept of my blog and writing posts that I hope will at least moderately amuse anyone who reads it, I’m busy. If I could do nothing but post all day, undoubtedly I would, as I love reading my own writing (literary equivalent of hearing myself speak for all you idiots who can’t make sense of that). I won’t lie and say I’m sorry I can’t post more frequently because frankly, the only thing getting on my nerves is having this pushy jackass as my friend.
You know who you are chicken-tomatoe, I don’t care if you’re from Bosnia, Croatia, the former Czechoslovakia, the Baltic Peninsula, or Moldavia, if you’ve got such a problem with the rate at which I update this blog, write your own post. If it gets even half an LOL out of anyone I know, I’ll post it and give you full credit. Till then…STFU or obviously you’ll have to get smacked.
spICYsamosASS: bro, i didn’t even notice and ur like “dude i don’t wanna die today”
Jbdkash: yo, its a pack of skinheads, as much as ive seen, come across and survived, i know what not to fuck with…skinheads are just not the type of people you want to mess around with…they still worship the confederate flag for gods sake
spICYsamosASS: wtf were they even doing in nyc, i doubt they ran out of leather chaps and swastika tattoos and had to come here to get them
Jbdkash: lol, they were sightseeing, didn’t you notice their I Love New York bags?
Ah the skinheads, a lovely human specimen… It had completely skipped my mind that, on top of being utterly useless perhaps the most detrimental circumstance of the 1st amendment, they’re people who need a vacation too. I don’t think they own vacation clothes though, since this group was in full on skinhead gear, giant spiked leather boots, spiked jackets, and Swastika tattoos on their faces and skulls.
The tiny little bit of their ‘witty banter’ that I did manage to hear while trying to avoid being noticed (I’m on their list of people to hate) went a little something like this:
“They’re gonna love these T-shirts back home”
“Yeah, too bad we had to get them from the a-rabs, dirty terrorist scum”
“If we were back home we’d have robbed him and used his turban to hang him”
Honestly, these people amaze me. FFS, these idiots were seriously discussing the robbing and murdering of a man in a whimsical manner. In all seriousness, there should be restrictions put on who is allowed in this city, and I can guarantee that their tourist revenues would definitely not be missed.
On a side not, I’m really curious to know if anybody has had a pleasant interaction with these people, so if you have, please let me know about it, I’m still unconvinced they talk about anything other than white supremacy.
Jbdkash (10:54:01 PM):so…transferring trains at times square, i see guy in a clown outfit is handing out fliers
Jbdkash (10:54:40 PM):take a guess at the contents of the fliers
ny csp ic eb o (10:55:50 PM): strip club
Jbdkash (10:55:58 PM):nope…Jews for Jesus
ny csp ic eb o (10:56:12 PM): well, that’s what you are when u try convert people…a fucken clown
Jbdkash (10:56:58 PM):so, i stop and decide to ask him, ‘how do you expect people to take you, your ideals and your attempts to convert them seriously when you are dressed in a clown outfit?’
ny csp ic eb o (10:57:06 PM): nice, and?
Jbdkash (10:57:21 PM):dead serious face, his answer was ‘marketing…the flier explains themselves’
Jbdkash (10:57:50 PM): he pauses for a moment and decides to yell ‘IM HERE TO GET THE WORD TO THE PEOPLE’
Jbdkash (11:09:37 PM): never learned about this in class…im a marketing major
I was unaware that a goal of good strategic marketing was to make a complete mockery of your religion.
Seriously…Jews for Jesus…WTF? Are you really struggling so much in your efforts to convert people that you have resorted to picking up Bozo the Clown off the streets of the 1960’s? Is the goal to get people to think, “these guys are clever, using a clown to get me this pamphlet…I will now do as you say, because I L-O-V-E clowns.”
What shape will this religion be in if the only people they have supporting it were convinced to join up because of a piece of paper a clown handed them? I wonder if there’s a sign up bonus the clown gets, maybe there’s a “Check this box if the clown pamphlet was the reason you decided to join our religion” option.
Synopsis: Don’t let a clown make your religious decisions, there’s just no way it’s a prudent course of action.
So…one of the hobbies that I’ve picked up over the years is card playing. For a tiny bit it took up a lot of time of my life, I was mesmerized by the sheer grandeur of the world of poker. Of the many characters I’ve come across, there are only a few I can tolerate. They recently made some good points about card playing and the role it can play in relationships, I figured I would share:
FishEatingSharK (2:28:29 PM): i ended up telling my mom, at first she was like “NO I DONT WANNA SEE IT, ur gonna go down the road with the mafia” Not-Really-Black (2:29:54 PM): thats what my mom says too Not-Really-Black (2:30:00 PM): then i tried to explain to her, that poker is like the high class level of gambling, its like white collar work as opposed to blue collar, poker players are RESPECTED. they arent jus labeled as GAMBLERS lol FishEatingSharK (2:30:33 PM): my mom is really conservative, she doesnt know about hustling FishEatingSharK (2:30:53 PM): i told her she has the wrong idea, poker is responsible gambling, its the best form of “gambling”
Not-Really-Black (2:31:47 PM): yea my mom was like yea youre gonna start gambling then drinking then smoking and the next thing i know your gonna have a tongue ring and become gay.
MAMA’S BOYS!!! I do think it’s cute that both my friends here want to be honest with their parents about what they do, a lot of people don’t have that kind of relationship with them.
Its very interesting to note that fisheatingshark’s mother likens online card playing to the path of the mafia whereas not-really-black’s mother moves instead stresses the possibilities of gambling leading to absolute atrocities occurring……I think that’s a little extreme but is the perfect example of parental over-exaggerating hilarity. Let’s be a little more serious here …you can’t get into the mafia just by card playing, nor will you develop drinking/smoking/drug using habits, card playing does not affect your sexual preference either… that’s just nonsense…
On a side note:
FishEatingSharK (2:35:09 PM): some will play forever but they never get good
This is the real sad truth about gambling…even with effort, stupid people are still stupid people in the world of cards. It is very true, that a lot of people go through a form of lessons I guess, losing money but LEARNING about how to properly gamble. Those are what we call the intelligent. Fortunately for casinos and poker players, there still exists an abundance of idiocy in the realm of gambling, and this idiocy has deep pockets…I say keep them coming, I like it that way
My good friend Mr. chicken-tomatoe-slice lives a life of obscurity. He’s got no friends but me and isn’t that great of a person in general. That’s a lie, he’s actually a really great friend and pretty sociable, just wanted him to feel bad for the 20 seconds or so it took him to read this.
Every now and then, chicken-tomatoe decides he needs to get his eating habits back on the healthy track. In those moments he’ll generally just get lunch from The Pump rather than our local grease-factory lunch spot. One night however, he decided to combine his affinity for drinking with his momentary efforts of healthy eating:
Chicken-tomatoe-slice (10:40:56 PM): for the record, i’ve had a half a bottle of merlot
Chicken-tomatoe-slice (10:41:00 PM): and am quite tipsy
Chicken-tomatoe-slice (10:42:04 PM): and ur supposed to have one to two glasses a day, so im gonna finish glass number two
Jbdkash (10:42:13 PM): lol, i think its just one
Chicken-tomatoe-slice (10:42:26 PM): im almost done with deuce
Chicken-tomatoe-slice (10:42:30 PM): i wouldn’t lie to you jeff
Chicken-tomatoe-slice (10:42:35 PM): you’re georgian, you can read minds
Jbdkash (10:43:22 PM): lol, i meant i think ur supposed to have one glass a day, not one to two
Chicken-tomatoe-slice (10:43:27 PM): no
Chicken-tomatoe-slice (10:43:29 PM): its one to two, i read up on it
Chicken-tomatoe-slice (10:43:38 PM): im tryin to get on this healthy game
Chicken-tomatoe-slice (10:43:43 PM): wow i am kinda drunk
Chicken-tomatoe-slice (10:43:48 PM): who would’ve thunk it
This tidbit of semi-drunken writing brings about a serious concern about the terrible implications of health studies. Wine is a gateway drink! It being considered healthy to drink wine frequently is bound to increase the numbers of alcoholics claiming to try to be healthy. What will I do now that my friend has decided to down half bottles of merlot in the name of his health? How will I prevent the inevitable downward smile from drinking bottles of wine to sucking out the last drops from a beer tap when the bartender isn’t looking?
What I really want to talk about is…How the hell does a kid who has at times gone drink for drink with me to the point of inebriation at which memories are lost get drunk off a couple glasses of wine? Chicken-tomatoe, I’m sorry to have to say this, but you’ve got to be demoted to mush status for the time being, at least until you regain your ability to drink like a man…or at least half a man.
Both gypsy dater and I are in relationships, though he has been in one considerably longer than mine. He is probably one of only a few friends that I actually discuss my relationship with, as he would be considered the Yoda equivalent on the subject to me. Every now and then, we throw a ‘how’s the gypsy?’ question at each other and generally talk about our respective GF’s and the intricacies of our relationships.
I would like to make clear: WE DO NOT BASH OUR GF’S TO EACH OTHER. We simply muse about the delicacies of the opposite sex and how, if agitated, the once delicate girls we date have the ability to transform into, for lack of a better term, beasts.
Gypsy-dater brought up a very interesting point about just how risky it is to start a relationship:
Gypsy-dater (11:25:17 AM): well the longer u date her the bigger chance she will slash tires and pour sugar in ur gas tank in case of breakup
Jbdkash (11:26:03 AM): lol, I have never heard a bigger cause for caution with a girl than that
I had once considered the “girlfriend goes crazy and destroys your stuff” occurrence to be something that occurs in movies…this was all when I was a naïve child. Now, I am much more educated in just how vengeful a woman can be (frankly, I think they can be scarier than cold-blooded mercenaries) and have both seen and heard real life events of a girl taking out her frustration with her BF or ex-BF in the form of violence or property destruction.
Upon Gypsy-dater’s comments, I immediately rented out a storage space and keep all my valuables there, I suggest everybody do the same. Luckily, no car for tire slashing and sugar pouring, so all I’ve really go to worry about is being beaten up, and fortunately enough, bones heal.
Just popped into my head…women should come with a disclaimer saying exactly what they would do to you if you ever pissed them off. Something like a little note or introduction saying:
This is how my lovely gf decides to start off my morning:
gf-demon-ilu (11:21:34 AM):hey want some sex?
gf-demon-ilu (11:21:37 AM):you got that meat?
gf-demon-ilu (11:21:45 AM):no meat no sex
Luckily enough for me, that little excerpt was preceded with the link to this article on BBC:
gf-demon-ilu (11:21:17 AM):did you know that chimps exchange meat for sex
gf-demon-ilu (11:21:25 AM):imagine humans doing that
Gleam of hope in his eyes.
I personally feel the article, Chimpanzees Exchange Meat for Sex, could be used in legal cases across the country involving the legality of prostitution. With advancements in science and more and more proof for the theory of evolution, one would be ignorant to overlook the groundbreaking theories that could sprout from this article. How can any government that recognizes the existence of science not immediately repeal any prostitution laws after this article was published? Now that we know prostitution has been in our history since before we had history, it only logically follows that we get back to our roots and bring it back. Black History Month, Women’s History Month…next should be Chimp Prostitution History Month.
In allowing chimps to exchange meat for sex while humans cannot do the same only with money, THEY ARE OPENING THE DOOR TO LET CHIMPANZEES RUN WILD. How will we be able to expect the chimps not go on rampages against the laws we subject humans if we let them slide on this literal flesh trade?? Ask yourself: Is this fair? Is this the world I want my children living in? Will I be able to live with myself knowing that chimpanzees have the right to barter meat for sex while I’m stuck with none?
Unfortunately, there is no video attached to this research, YET. Naturally I assume that these perverted researchers behind these ground breaking, pro-prostitution findings are working hard at getting us some live action footage of chimp solicitation. As soon as I can get my hands on it, it will be here, for YOU…weirdo chimp pervs.
Dear everyone who has read this site so far: FOLLOW SUIT. Here I have the first in what I hope will be a long line of posts established on conversations sent in to me by a reader of the blog. I honestly have to admit, it’s quite the bit of hilarity, and I’d have to tip my hat to the sender if I didn’t look ridiculous in hats. With just these words as further ado:
confuZZled: What’s a speedometer?
ricosuave: Duh! It tells you your speed!
confuZZled: It actually talks to you?
ricosuave: Duh! How else do you think blind people drive?
Now, how does one begin to describe what has transpired in this tidbit of conversation? I will not flat out call confuzzled stupid, only because I too am guilty of ridiculous idiotic comments, of which I generally make daily. However, I do feel that unless the only car you have ever seen is the one from Knight Rider, you should sort of at least know that cars don’t speak to you. Yes, I know there are gimmicky features on several cars now that will announce something if you press a button, but not one of them ‘talks to you’. Gullibility is probably what keeps the rich rich in this country, and there seems to be a decent amount of it left in the world.
EVERYBODY, follow ricosauve’s example and send me the funny. I’m already considering setting up some sort of contest where the funniest send in wins something of decent value…send in your hilarious convos and some ideas of what you think would be a good prize, I’ll figure out the structure and how to decide who will win.
Friends complain, friends tell each other truths, friends lie to one another, friends can have dynamic relationships…friends can also confess:
chicken-tomatoe-slice (10:44:54 PM): jeff im gonna make a confession to you
Jbdkash (10:45:01 PM): ok
chicken-tomatoe-slice (10:45:07 PM): you’re my favorite georgian
chicken-tomatoe-slice (10:45:09 PM): no joke
chicken-tomatoe-slice (10:45:17 PM): i like you
chicken-tomatoe-slice (10:45:20 PM): more than stalin
chicken-tomatoe-slice (10:45:22 PM): and i mean that
Now, I pose you a question: Is this supposed to be some sort of a compliment?
How would one properly respond to such a satement? What do you tell your friend when he says he likes you more than a person responsible for the deaths of over 20 Million people? In what way does one respond to the person they consider a friend when that very friend likens you to perhaps one of the most feared men to have walked the plant?
In actuality, I do consider this a compliment, simply because Stalin was some serious beast that probably terrified the entirety of the knowledgeable world. Oh, by the way, I grew up down the block from Ludacris…helped him write his first two albums…collect royalty checks every day and taught his mother how to cook…that’s what kind of Georgian I am…
Till next time,
Laugh till you die..but don’t die, we need you back to read the next post.
Well, I’ve been with my gf for over a year…Apparently that has brought about changes…According to my good friend, I used to have thugness…COPIOUS amounts of thugness…A lot of my friends give me crap for not being an asshole to my gf, which I find ridiculous, since generally speaking, treating the person you’re with nicely is the right thing to do. Unfortunately enough, things happen, and its only naturaly that every once and again you’ll get angry at each other, my GF happens to be very good at being mean (ilu baby this is a joke), and since I’m a bottler rather than someone who spews emotions, it will all eventually explode.
Spicy and I have been good friends for quite a while now, and he, like most of my good friends, is very good at provoking me.
spICYsamosASS(3:21:00 PM): ever since u been dating *** u def fell of the thugness
JBDKASH (3:22:21 PM): my demeanor in public may have changed but there are still certain lines that if crossed will bring about the same retaliation as it once would have, if not more so, i could throw in some new angers i have that sometimes appear in the form of a little polish girl…its probably more dangerous to cross me than it used to be
JBDKASH (3:22:33 PM): its a new form of rage
spICYsamosASS(3:23:18 PM): dam, as bizarre as that may sound it might actually make sense
JBDKASH (3:24:14 PM): yep, its a little scary, considering i was always aggressive but somewhat reserved, now if i got into a fight with someone, id be pouring out lots of rage that they probably dont deserve
spICYsamosASS(3:27:03 PM): haha…unnecessary rage ON YOU
Revelation: Obviously do not mess with me, simply because i’ve lost my mind.
Realization: I’m a bit of a ranter
Course of Action: None, I’m perfectly happy going on and on about the things that won’t happen to people simply because I don’t get into fights
On a side note, all of these will not be between spicy and me, still sifting…STILL WAITING ON READERS TO SEND ME THEIR FUNNIES……….
Till next time,
Laugh till you die..but don’t die, we need you back to read the next post.
Back when spICYsamosASS worked across the street from me, and before he fell of the face of the earth:
spICYsamosASS (10: 16: 23 AM): im just saying…this sandwich planet place isn’t somewhere where u just wanna sit and chill lol
spICYsamosASS (10: 16: 29 AM): being that its a closet
spICYsamosASS (10: 17: 26 AM): i gotta figure out who to take to this fuckin game now lol
spICYsamosASS (10: 18: 27 AM): oo if u can’t go cause ur dads bday
spICYsamosASS (10: 18: 29 AM): i’ll take [JBDKASH’s girlfriend]
spICYsamosASS (10: 18: 32 AM): SHIP IT
spICYsamosASS (10: 18: 37 AM): MY SQUEEZE FOR THE DAY
JBDKASH (10: 18: 41 AM): …
JBDKASH (10: 18: 50 AM): do u get that bored at work ur willing to start wars?
spICYsamosASS (10: 19: 08 AM): u mean star wars
JBDKASH (10: 21: 20 AM): we’re gonna have to stop at a fedex drop center though
spICYsamosASS (10: 22: 26 AM): perfect..u can do that i’ll go deposit some checks at hsbc
spICYsamosASS (10: 22: 32 AM): and we’ll meet up again
spICYsamosASS (10: 22: 33 AM): lol
JBDKASH (10: 23: 05 AM): nah, fuck u
spICYsamosASS (10: 23: 17 AM): fuck it no lunch forget it ima go with my colleague
JBDKASH (10: 23: 28 AM): ok
spICYsamosASS (10: 23: 48 AM): gouda
JBDKASH (10: 25: 53 AM): have fun
spICYsamosASS (10: 26: 22 AM): sure thing
spICYsamosASS (10: 29: 44 AM): i can’t wait for this nets game dude
spICYsamosASS (10: 29: 47 AM): fuckin lower level
spICYsamosASS (10: 29: 56 AM): can actually sorta feel how big these dudes are
JBDKASH (10: 30: 12 AM): im glad thats what ur going to this game for
spICYsamosASS (10: 30: 41 AM): lol
spICYsamosASS (10: 30: 45 AM): that came out wrong
Yes, we would lunch together…it was fun to have someone to go to lunch with…this little tidbit of conversation generally brought up our daily problems:
Where do we eat?
How do we get there?
How can we get tasks out of the way while lunching?
WHY DOES spICYsamosASS WANT TO FEEL UP THE NETS???
After some more of these get posted, you may begin to question whether we are friends, or if theres more…there isnt, I’ve got a gorgeous girlfriend, who isnt my way of covering up a lifestyle. The bulk of awkward statements come from spICYsamosASS himself…so by all means, question his sexual preference, in all likelihood you will not be the first. If I know you in real life, ask me who that is and I’d be more than obliged in telling you the persons name so you can begin to ridicule him the way I have for the years he’s been my good friend.
Till next time,
Laugh till you die..but don’t die, we need you back to read the next post.
Listen well…here begins the recollections of my museum of AIM conversations. The names of all participants will be altered, and usually displayed in some sort of inside joke insult…you’ll begin to understand the complex/really simplistic relationships that have developed between myself and those whom i discuss things with after you have read enough of them. At time the ranting gets mean, at times you may find it to be the funniest thing you’ve read in a while. I’ve got what if they were actually objects would about a ton of funny words, lyrics, lines, puns, jokes, curses, sayings, and nonsense. Definitely worth the 23.4254 seconds it would take to read a post. I’m currently sorting through the years of conversations to give you the most premium choice meat, the filet mignon of hilarity…one day I’ll find a way to charge you all for it, as it stands now however, it’s yours for free. Here’s a sample:
Jbdkash (10:45:34 PM): ill beat the shit out u charles, ill beat the shit out u wit charles
SpICYsamosASS(10:45:42 PM): lmfao
Jbdkash (10:46:03 PM): i one day want to know wtf that means
SpICYsamosASS(10:46:40 PM): i guess his dick is charles
SpICYsamosASS(10:46:41 PM): also
Jbdkash (10:46:53 PM): lol
Jbdkash (10:47:01 PM): that could seriously make sense
SpICYsamosASS(10:47:12 PM): lmao
Jbdkash (10:47:22 PM): im serious man
SpICYsamosASS(10:47:32 PM): hahah
SpICYsamosASS(10:47:35 PM): that would be funny
Jbdkash (10:50:50 PM): cant imagine that being drawn
SpICYsamosASS(10:51:54 PM): lmfao
SpICYsamosASS(10:51:58 PM): well i could
SpICYsamosASS(10:52:02 PM): but i really don’t want to
Jbdkash (10:52:07 PM): thats wat i mean
Upon hearing that the original first sample wasn’t necessarily that hilarious:
Jbdkash (11:42:00 PM):like any other girl in any other place ever
SpICYsamosASS(11:42:03 PM):lol
Jbdkash (11:42:08 PM):i told u bro, max’s hot = our normal
SpICYsamosASS(11:42:26 PM):my lord
Jbdkash (11:44:08 PM):ur lord what?
Jbdkash (11:44:16 PM):and which lord, brama?
SpICYsamosASS(11:45:52 PM):stickman only knowshow to win
Jbdkash (11:46:13 PM):at what?
SpICYsamosASS(11:46:12 PM):baffa getting crushed
SpICYsamosASS(11:46:15 PM):so sick
Jbdkash (11:46:58 PM):on stars?
SpICYsamosASS(11:47:05 PM):wtf?
Jbdkash (11:47:33 PM):what are u talking about???
SpICYsamosASS(11:48:17 PM):im trying to figure out the same thing
Jbdkash (11:48:40 PM):u said something about stickman and baffa
SpICYsamosASS(11:48:58 PM):do you know them?
Jbdkash (11:49:02 PM):no
SpICYsamosASS(11:49:05 PM):wtf?
Jbdkash (11:49:10 PM):who are they?
SpICYsamosASS(11:49:20 PM):i thought you knew them
Jbdkash (11:49:49 PM):what do they do?
SpICYsamosASS(11:49:53 PM):werent u the one asking?
Jbdkash (11:50:02 PM):no….
SpICYsamosASS(11:50:11 PM):wow wtf?
SpICYsamosASS(11:50:14 PM):are u being like
SpICYsamosASS(11:50:20 PM):retarded
SpICYsamosASS(11:50:43 PM):or serious?
SpICYsamosASS(11:51:01 PM):cause i can’t tell
Still no LOL’s so:
Mike Watson Jr. (12:08:53 AM):WHAT ARE YOU DOIN ON MA WATERS?
Jbdkash (12:09:02 AM):swimming
Mike Watson Jr. (12:09:10 AM):DON’T LIE TO ME BOY
Jbdkash (12:09:21 AM):snorkeling
Mike Watson Jr. (12:09:31 AM):easy now ya fuzzy little man peach
Jbdkash (12:09:56 AM):wow, i completely forgot about that
Mike Watson Jr. (12:10:43 AM):most people have
Mike Watson Jr. (12:10:51 AM):i watched youtube videos saturday night
Jbdkash (12:11:17 AM):how many of them?
Mike Watson Jr. (12:11:44 AM):all of them
Mike Watson Jr. (12:11:47 AM):we were drunk
Mike Watson Jr. (12:11:49 AM):well
Mike Watson Jr. (12:11:49 AM):i was
Mike Watson Jr. (12:11:54 AM):we decided not to drink
Mike Watson Jr. (12:11:57 AM):and not to go out
Mike Watson Jr. (12:12:00 AM):so
Mike Watson Jr. (12:12:05 AM):we bought a case of coors light
Mike Watson Jr. (12:12:12 AM):and drank 8-10 beers each
Mike Watson Jr. (12:12:16 AM):we called cat at 4am
Mike Watson Jr. (12:12:21 AM):to discuss things
Jbdkash (12:12:54 AM):lol, who is this ‘we’
Jbdkash (12:12:55 AM):?
Mike Watson Jr. (12:14:36 AM):me
Mike Watson Jr. (12:14:40 AM):half naked playstation
Mike Watson Jr. (12:14:42 AM):half naked tuti
Mike Watson Jr. (12:14:46 AM):that’s it
Obviously that’s not the best of the best, its just a start, the comedic gold you will sift out of the river that this site will become will be the shining gold of the days you read my posts…
All ridiculous ranting aside, I would also like it known that I strongly support anybody reading this site and liking the content to send me any conversations you’ve had that you think are amazing and deserving 215 seconds of fame online to jeffaohd@gmail.com
Hopefully, this will be my first step towards molding the world in my vision…sorry stupid people, you’re pretty much out of luck…Also, I’ve had discussions about everything, so if you want my take on anything, hit me with an IM at JBDKASH and I’ll look through the archives of hilariousness and find it to post just for YOU (its my way of tricking you into thinking i think you’re my special friend).
Till next time,
Laugh till you die..but don’t die, we need you back to read the next post.
. If only we could set up a system of mail-in-tourism, where we could still get all the tourist revenue but just have to mail out some post cards to them, or superimpose their pictures next to all the tourist attractions throughout the city. I guess until I get enough people to sign off on that, I’ll have to make due with my small acts of guerilla warfare on these damned tourists.
