Unshakable Tourists

“i was really hoping that this whole swine flu epidemic was going to keep tourists out of nyc for a while…seems like we just cant get some silver lining out of this one”

Amongst ridiculous humidity, decreased space on trains, and ugly people wearing clothes that reveal far more than they should, summer time tourism is by far the worst seasonal occurrence to devastate New York City on a yearly basis. Slack-jawed bumbling idiots roaming the streets of the city. Morons amazed by a building that surpasses their own gargantuan skyscrapers by no less than 30 floors. Incapable of navigating through a city that is, for all intents and purposes, a simple grid of streets that either go one way or another.

Yes, ok, some of the tourists aren’t that bad, some are nice to look at, some can hold legitimately interesting conversations because they lead pseudo-interesting lives compared to that of a New Yorker, BUT, single digit percentiles are nowhere near enough to overcome my hatred of an entire hoard of demonically retarded people. Every now and then I get back at these breathing nuisances though. There’s the occasional intentional bumping into, there’s the blank stare when they ask you a question even though you’ve got headphones in your head, but my favorite is giving wrong directions. I am overjoyed when I recall giving directions to a group of tourists towards Times Square when they were trying to go to the Empire State Building. Why did I do this you ask? What did this group of dim-witted simpletons do to deserve being set off on a quest they could never accomplish because of their own shortcomings in cognitive capabilities? Simple, they asked me how to get to the Empire State Building, and I kid you not, as I was leaning up against the sign saying “EMPIRE STATE BUILDING THIS WAY”.

Back to the topic at hand, I too was hoping this swine flu nonsense would be enough to deter these mindless drones who are amazed that an NYC building can afford to run a light 24/7. I’ve already had to ‘accidentally’ step on a few tourists, and it’s not even June . If only we could set up a system of mail-in-tourism, where we could still get all the tourist revenue but just have to mail out some post cards to them, or superimpose their pictures next to all the tourist attractions throughout the city. I guess until I get enough people to sign off on that, I’ll have to make due with my small acts of guerilla warfare on these damned tourists.

Amazing marketing campaign